Apr 30, 2017

I ran for the first time in 2 years yesterday. My performance, as expected, was so-so. Average pace was more than 10 minutes per mile. And today I wake up with my lower body hurts like hell. Can’t even walk normally. Two years ago I was running like crazy, often two or three times per week. I was even thinking about signing up for a 10k or half-marathon. It’s good to have a goal, and the motivation to achieve that goal, and more importantly the will to practice regularly so that I don’t have any excuse for not doing it. After the last summer working like crazy at Uber, this summer I will return to running and cycling, maybe even swimming. No, I don’t have any plan in the near future for a triathlon, but who knows in the next five years. It was a perfect summer day yesterday. I wake up early and energized. Had my first run for the summer. Had dim sum with friends. It becomes a tradition that we have dim sum roughly every two weeks. I even had time to clean my bicycle, put some air in the tires, and BBQ at night. Cheers to an exciting summer ahead. If everything goes as planned, I will defend my thesis proposal next week, submit a paper by the end of May and spend June and July writing my thesis. That would be a perfect plan, but you never know. Hope for the best, but plan for the worst. As I usually told myself, when all of this is over, you will realize it’s not a big deal after all. You can do it. You just need to have motivation and the will to do it. Everything will be alright in the end.

Apr 28, 2017

This morning I suddenly realized something. If memory serves me right, I’ve met, and even briefly work with Joseph Thomas, the guy that committed suicide while working at Uber last summer. I had no idea at that time he was having trouble at work. I feel so sorry for him and his family. It’s a position no one want to be in. I need to remind myself more often that life is important. Work to live rather than live to work. Doing a PhD is hard. Last five years have been the most stressful period of my life. I need to ask “why” question more often. I should not accept the results, even if it’s a result from a computer program. Human makes mistakes. Program has bugs. I should not treat the result as it is. I should ask myself why’s that when looking at abnormal results. Is it a bug, or an outlier?

Apr 27, 2017 – Crisis

2017 so far might be the most stressful period I ever experienced. Like a model with lots of hidden variables, value of one single variable might affect the outcome of the whole model. Lots and lots of things to worry about, even though most of things are totally out of your control. I’m in crisis mode. Crisis means lock out. I am locked out of my mind. I can no longer focus on things ahead. All I can think of is various scenarios, and different outcomes corresponding to each scenario. Like a simulation machine. Not only that, my body gets weaker and weaker. Weaker body means a weaker mind. Forever loop. I started having weird dreams. Things that I saw during the day continue to appear, but in a weird way in my dream. Things appear to happen 24/7 inside my mind. The bad thing is I feel like I can no longer control it. I lost control of my mind. This is not sustainable. I don’t know how long I can live like this, but soon enough my mind is going to explode.

April 23, 2017

Time for a weekly blog. I’ve almost finished my thesis proposal. Good feeling. I should have done it since February, but a lot of things have been going on since then. However I feel like I am at a much better position right now, and my thesis proposal is in much better shape than ever. A few things on my “things to worry about” list have been crossed out. It still have a few more, but it’s always good to cross any item off. It’s time of the year when there are lots of birthdays. Can’t understand that. 9 months to today was in the middle of the summer.  

Apr 15, 2017

After a few weeks of experiment, I would say recalling your last night dreams are quite hard. I usually can determine if I am in a dream or not, and occasionally can come back to a dream after a brief wakeup. I also often can recall almost every details of a dream right after wakeup. But by the time I have the first morning coffee, everything is gone. Just gone. I don’t have a slightest idea of what was going on in my dreams. Weird? Turns out dream recall is essential to lucid dreaming. The wikibook Lucid Dreaming wrote that the most important thing to improve dream recall is keeping a dream journal. So technically I am practising lucid dreaming without even realizing it. Strange? Actually lucid dreaming is kind of cool. It’s like being the sole director of your own movie, where you also the main actor/actress. You can control almost everything in your dream once you realize you’re dreaming. It’s like your own Inception setup. Cool? Anyway, back to not dreaming. I’m waiting anxiously for many things to happen. Hope for the best but plan for the worst. It always good to have a plan, and if you can afford, a backup plan as well in case things go south. I’m turning 30 this December, and can’t afford to start from the beginning again. Life’s short. Anyway, things can only get better. Right? It’s getting warmer and warmer in NYC. I’m really looking forward to this summer, with BBQ, beach, vacation and stuffs. But first, finishing my PhD would be nice. Then a short trip to Hawaii on top of that would be the icing on the cake. Not to mention camping/hiking/cycling during the summer. It would be nice to get a butt cramp after ~60 miles cycling